Well at this very moment im kinda confused... I havent felt this happy in i dont even know how long. Its all just here at once. I cant even begin to put into words how much I love Sam. It just seems to overwhelm me. Shes everything to me. In her I see a best friend, I seen exaltation and an Eternal family which is all Ive ever wanted. Its just perfect. I need this girl...
I feel great about what Im doing, I feel like i got some direction as to where I need to step next in my life. I feel gratefull for everything that crosses my path, i can see why some things that I had thought were important really arent and suddenly its all just clear.
Im so excited for General Conference. Ive organized a ride with my ward leadership to be able to enjoy the whole saturday worth of sessions. from the first to priesthood
Im sooo happy. wow... I was starting to believe that I might never get this feeling back... looks like God knows what hes up to.
I dont have much else to say. Keep your chin up and wait patiently he'll come through.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
is it ever just simple??
Well.... Basic training. For those of you that have been there and experienced all that it is im sure you can understand when i ask,
"How can following simple instructions be so complicated?"
Thats all i can really say about the experience. by far the most challenging and mind twisting experience ive worked through in my life. I never expected that I would be effected so deeply by it. by far the emotional trauma is the worst, being able to feel like a normal person is difficult... very difficult. emotions dont come the same way they used to. it feels like work to feel things deeply. especially feelings like tenderness, and compassion, general sensitivity, understanding, and patience. Its as if ive been numbed.
I know i SHOULD feel it but the emotion doesnt come... my humor has become more exclusive and at times sinical. and one of the hardest feelings is that of separation. That of being apart from the civilian world....
along with this emotional numbness i find it hard to hear and feel the impressions of the spirit in my everyday life... I'm seeing myself slip in some things and my life is really facing a whole other kind of separation... the spiritual kind...
I have some work to do in order to get back to where I am used to being. I need that sensitivity in my life. Especially here.
I still see the hand of god in my every day life, and I am being greatly blessed as i work to absorb the intense amounts of information being thrown at me.
Not to mention how much I love my job and this opportunity. Ive never been more proud to get dressed in the morning. Putting on my Black name tag as a missionary is the only time I can say equaled this feeling.
Every time I look in the mirror seeing the US Air Force tape on my chest, then walking out side and forming up with my wingmen and marching off to begin our day, jets flying overhead cadence setting the tempo... you cant help but lean on back and strut. patriotism and hope just swell inside of me. its the real deal.
Life here is just as "simple" as Basic was... Study, test, and pass or fail and be separated from the USAF... no questions, few exceptions and no excuses... ive already seen a good number of those that i got here with face the first steps of separation from the service... the standard is high and managing it all is one of the most tedious things I've ever had to do.... college and highschool have nothing on military tech school.
My relationship.... the "simple" knowledge that I'm in love with the most amazing women on the face of the earth... and the complicated nature of developing and progressing that while not being able to fully function emotionally... Knowing that she deserves everything and not being able to give it... I miss her something fierce.
Im coming to the conclusion that no matter how "Simple" every day may seem the task of carrying it all out is always gona be a mess of complicated and crazy choices... theyre never easy and its always changing...
I gave a talk in the branch I attended the weekend I left from Basic.
theres only one constant and truely simple thing in my life. God. there is always comfort and hope in that thought because in the end thats all that really matters right?
this will be good.
I feel better, I hope people who read this find a reason to feel better too.
"How can following simple instructions be so complicated?"
Thats all i can really say about the experience. by far the most challenging and mind twisting experience ive worked through in my life. I never expected that I would be effected so deeply by it. by far the emotional trauma is the worst, being able to feel like a normal person is difficult... very difficult. emotions dont come the same way they used to. it feels like work to feel things deeply. especially feelings like tenderness, and compassion, general sensitivity, understanding, and patience. Its as if ive been numbed.
I know i SHOULD feel it but the emotion doesnt come... my humor has become more exclusive and at times sinical. and one of the hardest feelings is that of separation. That of being apart from the civilian world....
along with this emotional numbness i find it hard to hear and feel the impressions of the spirit in my everyday life... I'm seeing myself slip in some things and my life is really facing a whole other kind of separation... the spiritual kind...
I have some work to do in order to get back to where I am used to being. I need that sensitivity in my life. Especially here.
I still see the hand of god in my every day life, and I am being greatly blessed as i work to absorb the intense amounts of information being thrown at me.
Not to mention how much I love my job and this opportunity. Ive never been more proud to get dressed in the morning. Putting on my Black name tag as a missionary is the only time I can say equaled this feeling.
Every time I look in the mirror seeing the US Air Force tape on my chest, then walking out side and forming up with my wingmen and marching off to begin our day, jets flying overhead cadence setting the tempo... you cant help but lean on back and strut. patriotism and hope just swell inside of me. its the real deal.
Life here is just as "simple" as Basic was... Study, test, and pass or fail and be separated from the USAF... no questions, few exceptions and no excuses... ive already seen a good number of those that i got here with face the first steps of separation from the service... the standard is high and managing it all is one of the most tedious things I've ever had to do.... college and highschool have nothing on military tech school.
My relationship.... the "simple" knowledge that I'm in love with the most amazing women on the face of the earth... and the complicated nature of developing and progressing that while not being able to fully function emotionally... Knowing that she deserves everything and not being able to give it... I miss her something fierce.
Im coming to the conclusion that no matter how "Simple" every day may seem the task of carrying it all out is always gona be a mess of complicated and crazy choices... theyre never easy and its always changing...
I gave a talk in the branch I attended the weekend I left from Basic.
theres only one constant and truely simple thing in my life. God. there is always comfort and hope in that thought because in the end thats all that really matters right?
this will be good.
I feel better, I hope people who read this find a reason to feel better too.
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